Weight and See

The hardest weight loss of my life occurred a few days ago.

I've never minded being heavy. I eat for enjoyment and my build is a byproduct. But a few months ago, my doctor delivered news that made it necessary for me to find another way to defy culture.

As you well know, women on a weight loss regimen have a long standing method of preparing for a weigh-in:

The night before weighing, drink a cup of Exlax and trim bangs.

Remove false eyelashes and fingernails.

Clip nails, floss, pop zits, remove dandruff.

As one approaches the scale, go through the checklist. Did you shave your pits, legs, and pubes? What about that moustache like Grandma's? Oops - pop out those contacts, put the wedding ring on the window sill. Did you remove the cubic zirconium studs from your earlobes or any other piercings?

So, one morning, I stepped on the scale in my bathrobe without shaving my corns or reading the paper in the bathroom. I was still sleepy and had no particular consciousness of it. Yawn. Whatever. The second time I got on the scale without any fuss, I was fully awake and astonished to realize that I had just shed the hardest weight of my life. It was not any first ten pounds, any last ten pounds, and certainly not the few pounds I've lost since my doctor took a tone.

It was that five hundred pound weight in my mind.